Exclusive Intelligence Examiner Report
Bush Daughters Volunteer for Military Service in Iran In a shocking move White House officials say is designed to quell the growing sentiment against his failed War on Terror, President George W. Bush announced today he was authorizing the formation of a historic new U.S. Army combat unit, to be called the Paris Hilton-Britney Spears Brigade. From the Oval Office, the nation’s Chief Executive pre-empted all four major TV networks' prime time programs to make the startling announcement. "I am pleased to report," said a smiling Mr. Bush, "that my own two daughters, Barbara and Jenna, being very foxy and of military age, have volunteered
"Whoever is not with my daughters is against them," Bush warned.
To add to the overwhelming war drama, famous Hollywood agent to the stars, Jeff Gannonstein, reported that entertainers Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are abandoning their many festive parties and galas and will report promptly for military duty.
Ms. Spears, from her mansion in Beverly Hills, also expressed her own unique brand of patriotism by promising that, if she was going to become the head of her own Army division, platoon or barracks, she would learn some new dance steps and might even agree to wear panties under her military fatigue pants. "Whatever it takes," said Britney, "I’m willing to sacrifice and do, as long as Kevin Federline isn’t allowed within 1,000 feet of me." Secretary of Defense Robert Gates applauded the bold, new move, saying, "the President has outdone himself on this one. It’s brilliant." Mr. Gates and the DOD further announced that the military services would immediately begin calling up millions of draft age youth (ages 18 to 70) to serve alongside Paris, Britney and the two Bush girls in uniform.
"We know these 21st century kids are just dying for the opportunity to give up their college classes, their dates with sexy "gone wild" cheerleaders, their Sony play stations, and their myspace.com and go sailing off on a fantastic adventure to the dreamy Mediterranean beaches of western Iran," said Gates. "As a former Texas Aggie, I applaud this wholesome, new "The Gap" generation and what it stands for," said the enthusiastic Pentagon Chief. "And won’t those Bush girls look patriotic and cute in their dress greens?," Gates smiled. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey says that Donald Trump is talking to his daughter and son in anticipation of their serving in Iran as well. "I’m trying to get them all fired up," said Donald, "Military training will serve them well in future conflicts back here at home against the likes of Rosie O’Donnell." The President’s eye-opening move seems to have taken the Democrats in Congress by surprise. But not to be outdone, New York Senator Hillary Clinton’s says that, having heard the news, her daughter, Chelsea Clinton, "is eagerly chomping at the bit to serve breast-to-breast with Paris and Britney." Reportedly, even the old man, former President Bill Clinton, is considering enlisting. "If Paris, Britney, and those two cute Bush hotties are going to be there with me in Baghdad and Teheran, count me in!" said the ex-President. "This is a heckuva lot snazzier than Vietnam would have been," an excited Mr. Clinton commented. Even the nation’s news corps is getting into the sea change of patriotic enlistments. Former draft dodger Neocons Shaun Hannity and Rush Limbaugh say that military service is suddenly attractive. "Eighty-thousand Oxycontins smoothly sliding down my throat won’t compare with the
"Wow, this is great stuff," said Shaun Hannity, at Fox News studio in New York. "What a great Republican President we have in George W. Bush. Why, he’s better than Eisenhower, Nancy Reagan, Ford, and Gorbachev all combined." "And that’s not propaganda," said Hannity. "After all, here at Fox, we’re fair and balanced. We report, you decide." Texe Marrs commentary: Too bad, isn’t it, that this is a spoof? Wouldn’t it truly be wonderful to see all these pampered, rich, spoiled brats serving their country in military uniform? Instead, the Hiltons, the Bushes, Cheneys, Limbaughs, Clintons and Hannitys—every one of them—are draft dodgers or military evaders. So today, mainly the poor and underprivileged serve and die in the Armed Forces. If we’re going to foolishly keep fighting these unnecessary, inhumane pre-emptive wars, them I’m in favor of a fair draft system. Yes, draft every 18-24 year old, no exception, no favoritism. But, don’t worry: Believe me, the 565 wealthy lawyers and other bums who sit in Congress won’t ever enact such a draft. They don’t want themselves and their rich, silver-spoon in the mouth kids to have to go to war. Let the poor white kid from Appalachia, the black kid from the Ghetto, or the Mexican-American from the barrio. It’s O.K. for them to bleed and die!
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